


looking for sunshine

by Kt_fairy



Series: Oranges [4]
Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Anxiety, Chris Chow is the best friend anyone could want, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Panic Attacks, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, college is hard, self-care
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-30
Updated: 2017-06-30
Packaged: 2018-11-21 02:54:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,263
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11348385
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kt_fairy/pseuds/Kt_fairy
Summary: “I was having a good day, a good week, but it’s hard. Living his hard and loud and chaotic and sometimes I just need to lay in a bathtub and be quiet for a little while.”“P good idea if you ask me.”“Hey Chris, is my idea of laying about in empty baths to cope a good idea?”“Nope.”Derek beamed up at Chris who looked so amused at himself, always amazed by how much better a few minutes in his best friends company made him feel.OR5 times Nursey practised Self-Care + 1 time he didn't





	looking for sunshine

 

 

**1**

 

 Dex was whistling quietly to himself when he came into the bathroom, pausing as he took in Derek who was sat at the counter going through his presentation while wearing a face mask.

 It was not an uncommon thing for him to do, he had learnt a long while ago that a little bit of self-care could do a lot when feeling like shit was almost a constant; eating (mostly) healthy was important when depression meals made you feel even more gross, getting up and doing even the lightest activity stopped that helpless feeling, and physically not being able to make yourself wash for days at a time meant your skin needed all the help it could get. Thus the face masks. He had kept it to himself because it was a vulnerability, something that was easy mocked, but he did not want to waste his energy keeping this a secret any longer when he lived surrounded by friends and team mates now, did not feel like he should hide it from Dex if he was all his fragile heart hoped he was.

“If I kiss you hello will I mess that up?”

 Derek couldn’t help but smile in vindication, knowing it was stupid to ever worry, tilting his face up so Dex could peck him on the lips, “Hey beautiful.”

“I need to pee so you might want to take that back.”

 Derek kissed his teeth as he turned back to his laptop, upping the volume, “The honeymoon period is truly over then.”

“You don’t have to stay here!”

“We’ve both had fingers up one anothers ass I think we’ll survive this.”

“Jesus Nurse, why're you complaining then?”

“‘Cause I’m not sitting here an' listening to you pee without putting up a fight!”

“ ‘Least I’m hydrated.”

“Thank God for small mercies”, Derek muttered as the toilet flushed, reaching out to poke Dex in the ankle with his toe when he came to wash his hands next to him. He was quiet for a while after the water shut off, Derek tearing his eyes away from the slide he was writing to see Dex reading (scowling at) the back of the tub of mask Derek had left out on the counter.

 Dex caught him looking and Derek thought he was going to drop the tub and act like it never happened, maybe tease Derek to deflect, but Dex seemed to stop himself, ears flushing as he cautiously held up the product between them, “Does this work?”

 Derek nearly chirped him with a ‘I wouldn’t use it otherwise’, but knew that would have Dex rolling his eyes and leaving the room, ending whatever this careful moment was before it even started, so instead he turned his music down and swung his chair around to face him, “Depends on your skin type.”

“Oh. Like, oily…?”

“Yeah. I’m combination which is oily in some places and dry in others.”

“And this works for that?”

“Yeah.”

 Dex rubbed a hand over his cheek, “Not for dry skin or sensitive?”

 Derek opened his mouth, then wheeled away from the counter to root around in the box that held the skincare hoard that he had collected while on insomnia fueled online shopping binges. “This would”, he said when he popped up, holding the tube so Dex could read the back, “it’s got lots of natural ingredients see? Beeswax, oats, lemon, honey, lanolin. They’re gentle and anti-inflammatory so you won’t get all red”, Dex looked at it a little blankly, “I can...I can put it on you if you wanna try?”, Derek ventured, not knowing what he expected but was surprised by the twinge of relief on Dex’s face.

“Yeah. Please.”

“Oh…” Derek squeezed the unopened tube in his fist as a complicated feeling pooled in his stomach. The other shoe would not drop, he was not going to be laughed at, he was not going to be called a girl because this was Dex and he loved him, but... “This is...depression is…I take care of my skin because...”

“You don’t have to explain, I’m not gonna judge you for taking care of yourself", Dex sighed, adding quietly, "I hope I was never that much of an asshole.”

“Okay. Okay”, Derek said to himself, looking up at Dex to smile at him, “Take a seat and we’ll get this spa day on.”

 Dex hopped up on the counter, swinging his legs as he watched Derek dry the brush he used for applying face masks, “Gonna give me a pedicure too?”

“I can if you want?”

“Not today”, he said gently, tilting his chin up to let Derek wipe cleanser over his face, wiggling his toes against Derek’s calves as he moved in closer between his legs. Dex watched him from underneath his pale lashes as Derek carefully applied the thick mask over Dex’s forehead and down his upturned nose, finding himself missing the freckles when they were covered and pulling a face at himself for being ridiculous, “What’s that face for?”

“This is what concentrating looks like”, Derek lied.

“Jesus”, Dex muttered, resting his hands on Derek’s hips, sitting quietly while Derek finished up.

“There, give it ten minutes before washing it off and then put on some cream and you’ll be glowing”, Derek explained as Dex twisted to look at himself in the mirror, pulling a few faces before sitting back.

“Cool, you gonna let me up?”

“Nope”, Derek murmured, running his hands up and down Dex’s thighs, tugging him in closer so Dex could cross his ankles behind his legs, “Gonna use this time to be mushy at you.”

“Don’t you need to wash yours off?”

“It’s still wet in some places.”

 Dex hummed and slipped a hand up the back of Derek’s top to scratch his blunt nails lightly over his skin, “Sure it is.”

“We have to do our bit towards our gay quota and hang out in face masks”, Dex rolled his eyes, tilting his chin up as Derek swayed in closer, “It’s nice that you’ve taken an interest in this. Really nice.”

“Well if we’re going the distance with this then I’ve got to do something about what long days on boats  and stuff do to your face or you’re going to end up with a saggy old white man.”

“Firstly there is no _if_!”, Derek was outraged at even the thought of an _if_ when he knew he would fight tooth and nail for this one good thing that had found him. “Secondly, love transcends appearance, have you blocked out _all_ romantic media? Thirdly I’ve seen your parents you are going to age super gracefully, _inshallah_.”

“My pa is bald.”

“I’ll pay for hair replacement surgery.”

“What happened to love transcending appearance?”

“Yeah, but I love your hair too much”, Derek illustrated the point by running his fingers through it, messing it up so Dex’s edges suddenly looked less sharp, “Neither of us want to deny me silver fox W.J.Poindexter” -Dex shot him a very sceptical look - “Besides, one should always spend money on what they love.” Derek was suddenly being held tighter, something deep and vulnerable on Dex’s face, “I’d love you even if you were bald!”, he said quickly, aiming for damage control, but Dex shook his head.

“I don’t want you to...you...I want to stay looking good for you, because you’re so…”

“Will don’t…”

“I’m serious!”

 Derek ran his fingers back through Dex’s hair, down over the pattern of freckles on his ears to cup his neck. Poetry had warned him a long time ago that love was not all softness and warmth, that it burnt you and filled you up like it was trying to drown you and hurt like a motherfucker, but now he understood, after years of looking at his parents and wondering how they could stand it, that this ache behind his breastbone was the warmest want you could ever hope to feel, “We’ll get old and fat together and you’ll still be my beautiful William.”

“Oh my god you’ll make me cry and ruin my face mask”, Dex muttered and Derek had to snort loudly, Dex pursing his lips to keep a smile off his face.

“Seriously though. Don’t worry I’ll leave you if you don’t stay looking like a twenty-one year old Hockey player. It’s nice sharing my little skincare thing with you but don’t do it because of, well- that. I’d love you no matter what, baby.”

“No way! It smells fancy and feels nice”, Dex snatched up the tube of product and held it protectively to his chest, “I’m going to stay freakishly young forever, fuck off!”

 Derek was so, so in love with this idiot, “Let’s wash all this off so I can kiss you.”

“It’s not been ten minutes yet!”

“I’m sorry are you suddenly an expert?”

“Yes,” Dex giggled, pushing Derek towards the sink, “Get on with it then!”

 

                                                                                        _X_X_X_

 

**2**

 

 Derek froze with the spoon halfway to his mouth, locking eyes with Bitty who was stood in the hallway, phone in hand, his pleasant (no doubt because of Jack) expression quickly turning into a frown. “ _Derek Nurse you are not_!”

“No, I am not”, for a moment Bitty looked fooled, but then his eyes narrowed as they zero’d in on the tub of Ben and Jerry’s Derek was working his way through. It had been a day, not exactly terrible but not great either, and he knew that he would suffer later for this but sometimes you just needed a whole pint of Phish Food ice cream to get you through the night.

“Y’all are lactose intolerant what in the lord’s name are you doin'?!” Bitty demanded as he stepped into the den.

“Some people eat diary to cope?” He tried, feeling himself wilt under Bitty’s slow head shake.

“I cannot tell you how to live your life!”, he sighed, “at least let me help y’all out in the eatin’ of that pint. Hold up while I get a spoon.”

Derek grinned, “If you wanted some you could just ask.”

“What way is that to talk to a boy who’s about to save y’all form ya’self”, Bitty called as he walked into the kitchen, waving airily as he went.

 

                                                                                        _X_X_X_

 

**3**

 

 Derek sat down on the bottom of the stairs and looked at his shoes, taking a moment to sum up the energy to put them on. He did not need to go to this seminar, but he kind of _had_ to, he had been forced into bed for a whole day once this year and he was not going to let himself fall into a pattern. The new med’s had worked on more than just his struggling dick which was just about keeping up with his depression battered libido. Now when the blackness hit it was less sticky, less dragging, but it still weighed down his whole body like a iron bar in his gut. It was not better, just a little easier to force himself to function -a small victory, but a victory all the same.

 The thundering of footsteps from above him signalled Ollie and Wicks were late and he moved just enough for them to crash past him with a, ‘Sorry bro”, “Later man”, and disappear out the front door, scattering Tadpoles and sidestepping Dex and Bitty as they went.

 Derek pulled one shoe on, ignoring the noise of Tadpoles being put to work dragging in the new couch, and made to pull on the other when Dex’s tatty jeans with the oil stain on them and his nearly new converse came into view, “Hey, you okay?”

“Getting through it”, Derek sighed, glancing up at Dex who was doing a bad job of not looking worried. They had fought this morning about Dex’s hovering - or what Derek perceived as hovering - it was nice to be cared about but sometimes Derek could not stand it, especially when it came from someone who, besides his flares of temper, had the mental and physical fortitude of a cart horse whilst he very much did not.

“You going to the library this afternoon?”

 Derek heaved himself up, reaching out for Dex’s elbow when he stepped back to give him some room, “I don’t think so. Come and pick me up from class?”, he offered as an olive branch, smiling when Dex laid his hand on Derek’s arm, the lack of a frown as good as a smile from anyone else.

 There had been way more vicious fights between them, the worst of the fall out of this one just some bruised emotions, Derek eternally glad that Dex seemed to have forgotten that you let the 'crazy' person win arguments and had snapped back at every one of Derek’s snarls. It was also their first proper one as a couple and Derek had agonised with himself about apologising, about throwing himself on Dex’s forgiveness, but not everything was his fault, his therapist had been working hard on that one and it seemed like she had finally got it to stick.

“Sure.”

 Just as Dex had learnt to navigate the many barriers and riddles of Derek’s personality over the years, so Derek had made the effort with Dex and he wished he had known two years ago that even if Dex's anger flared up hot and bright it would gradually burn back down, that his calm flowed uneasily and someone else’s input rarely did anything but impede that process. He had waited, not a problem when the argument had almost exhausted him, and Dex had calmed down and come back to him which was his own version of a peace offering - imperfect but improving all the time.

 Derek leant in to peck him on the lips, going back in for a longer kiss when Dex gently pulled him closer, “Want company on the way to class?”

“Please. You can carry my bag too”, Derek teased, scrabbling for it when Dex bent to pick it up, “No, no I was joking!”

“Too late, gonna embarrass you in front of aalll your buddies.”

 Derek pouted at him, ducking his head when Dex relented and dropped the satchel over his head, reaching out to tangle their fingers together as they made their way through the Tadpoles and out of the front door.

 

                                                                                        _X_X_X_

 

**4**

 

 Chris found him lying in the unfilled bath, towel bundled up under his head to protect it from the coldness of the tub, staring blankly at the reflection of the one dying light bulb in the dirty mirror.

 Found was maybe the wrong word judging from the quiet way Chris stepped through the door like he knew what could be waiting for him. Tango must have told him what Derek  hadlooked like when he had stomped into the house not half an hour earlier.

 Derek moved his leg as Chris came to sit on the side of the tub, tucking his feet behind Derek’s as he propped his chin up with the arm resting on his knee, “Hey man.”

“Hey.”

“Bad day?”

“Not really”, Derek grumbled as he turned to stop his shoulder digging into the cold plastic, “P standard really just, ya know, talked to my uncle at lunchtime.”

 He could only see Chris’ face in the periphery of his vision but he could tell his neutral expression dropped into something very not On Brand™ for him, “Have they not fucked you up enough?!”

“You don’t even know what he said.”

“I don’t need to, dude.”

“They think they’re trying to help.”

“They should know by now that they’re not. I know they’re your family and everything but they’re fucking idiots.”

“Yeah…”

“What did he say?”

“It’s not one thing. It’s... some people on ammi’s side have started doing the,’ _oh btw I know this girl she’s from a good family she’s at Cornell and looking to get married_ ’ shit,” Chris nodded knowingly, his grandma had kept that up even after he had introduced her to Farmer, “Then granddad on mom’s side is still telling me to take law or business or something ‘cause English won’t make me successful unless you have 'natural talent' which is a slap in the face _every single time_ and now…” Derek snarled at nothing, glancing over at Chris who was giving him his full open attention despite the frown settling on his brows, “...this uncle is the guy who would say all this stuff about gay guys, not even being malicious it was just how people were back then I guess - it wasn’t even just him it was loads of people but your family get’s to you most I guess? So when I first realised I might like to kiss boys my stomach just _dropped_ because now I was all of those horrible things he had said.”

 Chris put his hand on Derek’s knee and squeezed none too gently, the pressure cutting through the numbness that always descended when Derek was trying to press down the hurt filling up his throat, “It’s the carelessness of it that makes it worse, they don’t even realise how what they’re saying can hurt.”

 “It’s hard enough being black and being not straight when there is a lot of shit about the people that make up one part of you coming from the people in the other part. You know, uhh - you know about my meds and stuff. About my…” he made an vague motion with his hand and Chris nodded around a pursed lipped smile, “There’s a lot to worry about with your dick not working properly but what I never really, like, admitted was that...you know; black guy, hung, sexually dominant, those kinda stereotypes, and I was scared of letting Dex down.”

“Oh D!”

“If I admitted that to him it would've been even worse ‘cause he'd never have thought of any of that and sometimes I'm so grateful he doesn’t think like that and sometimes I wish he just knew, ya know?”

“He knows. He’s not lived under a rock, he’s engaged with the media it’s all in there like it is with all of us I just don’t think he really thinks to think like that? He’s not secretly enlightened or anything he just doesn’t realise… he’s just white, Derek. Your boyfriend is just white.”

 Derek had to laugh at that, “Our very own white devil.”

“Least the dude knows he is now.”

“Yeah”, Derek muttered with a helpless little smile that had Chris grinning when he saw it, “I was having a good day, a good week, but it’s hard. Living his hard and loud and chaotic and sometimes I just need to lay in a bathtub and be quiet for a little while.”

“P good idea if you ask me.”

“Hey C, is my idea of laying about in empty baths to cope a good idea?”

“Nope”, Derek beamed up at Chris who looked so amused by himself, big beautiful smile splitting his face, always amazed by how much better a few minutes in his best friends company made him feel. “I’m sorry you got dragged down today, but I’m glad you’re smiling now. Those new med’s working their magic, hey?” Chris teased with an exaggerated wink that made Derek groan, shifting around so he could look up at the ceiling.

“I guess I’m still trying to be confident in all parts of me. It would be so much easier if there wasn’t so many of them.”

“You’ll figure it out D. You got a three parent family you loves you, got a badass big sister, you got me, you got Dex, you got the guys, and we all see you for more than your illness or your religion or skin colour and who you want to make out with, and will value you just the same no matter what major you do.”

“Yeah, I’m pretty lucky like that.”

“And we’re lucky to have you, man. Never, _ever_ , forget that.”

 

                                                                                         _X_X_X_

 

**5**

 

 Dex always did a good job of ignoring Derek when he was being dramatic which was usually warranted because Derek reveled in the light feeling of being okay and let himself be - to mangle a J.M.Barrie quote - the ‘largest of sillies’, but today he thought he had more reason than usual.

 Sure, he had seen Dex shower a literal bajillion times because of Hockey (nothing weirder than showering with a dude you hated) but Hockey showers were always gross and quick and the temperature was never right and you were tired, maximum unsexy.

 Walking into the bathroom to find Dex washing his hair under the fall of water like this was some...some...bond movie or whatever was too much for Derek and he staggered, holding onto the door frame for balance, receiving barely a sideways glance for his troubles, “Oh.My.Days. I have - my lord when I woke up this morning I did not think I would be so shook on this day. MmmHMMMM I came through here to find my book on sonnets but baby you look like poetry to me!”

“Hello Nursey.”

“My name has never sounded more like the song of the Nightingale than it has falling from your lips. The Graces have fallen upon me, bringing with them the sweet sounds of Orpheus, doomed for beauty!”, Dex turned his face away but not before Derek caught the smile on his face he was trying to hide, had nowhere to hide the the blush that was running riot over his body, “My whole body just gave out you leave me so weak.”

“Nursey…”

“Again! Such perfect sounds. Again, again, say my name again and let my heart beat eternally for it in my breast!” Nursey declared, holding his arms out and leaning a knee on the side of the tub to stare adoringly up at Dex who looked liked he regretted a lot right now.

“You’re ridiculous.”

“Baby, you look so good I can’t help it.”

 Despite being the same height he would never be in Derek’s weight class because he had always carried muscle and fat easily whereas Dex's was a body of nervous energy and function. There was muscle where needed and softness where it was not, broad in some places and delightfully narrow in others, all long arms and legs and blushes and Derek knew he personally looked good but, dam, he could just eat Dex up.

“Is this you asking to join me?”

“If I say yes will you tell me to fuck off?”

“Yes.”

“Then no.”

 Dex snorted, but jerked his head to signal Derek could hop in and he was out of his clothes as fast as he could without tripping, Dex steadying him as he stepped into the tub because he had slipped over more times than he would like to admit. “Your hair getting wet is your own fault”, Dex muttered, turning away to get back to rinsing his hair but not before his eyes had flicked up the length of Derek’s body.

 “Sometimes”, Derek murmured as he pressed himself up against Dex’s back, running his hands up and down his chest that was warm from more than just the spray of water, letting his fingers dip to brush the soft inside of his legs before smoothing up to run over his strong shoulders, “when you feel like all is right in the world, you just gotta treat yo self and feel up your hockey boyfriend.”

 Dex twisted to look at him over his shoulder, “You have a non-hockey boyfriend out there then?”

“You’re a dick.”

“Maybe so”, he breathed, tipping his head back to ghost his lips over Derek’s chin, shifting his hips so his ass was right against Derek’s dick, “but you definitely have one.”

 It was a terrible line, but there was a time and a place for Derek to chirp him for it and it was not when it looked like he was about to get shower sex so he kept his mouth shut long enough to tilt Dex’s head so he could kiss him.

 

                                                                                         _X_X_X_

 

**+1**

 

“Yo? You know that ‘Farmers Market’ they have by the arts building? This dude is app from like, Florida, and was selling off his oranges mad cheap so I got some to like, feed up the ‘Poles on Vit C so they don’t get sick all over us but then I thought we should…” Derek trailed off, letting the bag of oranges he was proudly holding drop down by his side as he peered through the darkness of their room at Dex who was sat on the giant bean bag that took up nearly the whole back corner that Derek has insisted on buying, face pressed into his knees that he was hugging to his chest.

 Derek made to speak then heard a quiet whimper in the stillness and would happily admit that he froze. Dex was a sure and stable heartbeat against his ear on the nights the gnawing in his chest was too much to take, he did not sit in dark corners crying...oh _shit he was crying_!

 Smacking both his knees and a shin on the beds Derek he scrambled across the room, skidding to a halt on his butt in front of Dex, “Will…”, he started, feeling his fingers tingle like they always did when he was scared, “Will are you...are you having a panic attack? Are you...no, no you’re not”, Derek took a deep breath in an effort to calm himself down first - they would get nowhere if he wound himself up into full blown panic, “Will, what’s happened?”

 Dex heaved in a few breaths before turning his head to the side, Derek unable to catch his expression but could see how white his knuckles where from where he was clutching onto the sleeves of his sweater. “I can’t cope with all this”, he said quietly, sounding as young as they always forgot they were, “It’s too much, it’s too much, it’s all too much. I keep thinking it'll get better but it’s not. Hockey is just getting harder and harder an' I’m always tired and I've got this set I need to do and I can’t make it work an' Tango passed this class as a _freshman_ and I’m the scholarship kid that can’t do it. Oh God they’re gonna kick me out!”

 Stress and self doubt got to everyone at college, it was part of the experience unfortunately, and it affected everyone in different ways; Bitty baked, Ford bit her nails, Whiskey worked himself to exhaustion on the exercise bikes, and Derek had always assumed the scowling waspishness was just the way Dex was stressed. He kicked himself now for it, he should have known Dex was bottling it up, should have recognised the unhealthy behaviour in someone who was so close to him.

 Derek did not know what to say, all those words he used so expertly and every one of them failed him at the sight of Dex like this. He stretched his fingers out over Dex’s shaking arms as he desperately tried to think of what he should do, “Hey, Will, it’s okay…”

“It’s not!”

“Will, look at me. Come on…” Derek said as soothingly as he could when his hands were trembling, gently encouraging Dex to raise his head and almost burst into tears himself at the look on his wide eyed, blotchy, tear stained face, “...they will not kick you out. Okay? It’s okay, you’re not going anywhere, you will not be kicked out”, he ran the back of a hand over Dex’s red cheek to try and wipe up the tears that were no longer falling, “We’re going to sit quietly for the rest of the day and do nothing, have a break, an' if by tomorrow you still can’t figure the set out we’ll get someone to look at it”, Derek swallowed past the alarm obvious in his voice, trying to repeat what his dad used to say to him whenever school had become overwhelming. “If hockey is too much right now we’ll talk to the coaches and see what can be done about practices, yeah?”

 Dex made a little wounded sound, rubbing his sleeve all over his face, breath still hiccuping out of him, “What if that doesn’t work? If this is the limit of how smart I am and I turn out to be a waste of everyone’s time.”

“I don’t believe that to be true. There’s more to you than even you know, William Poindexter. We’re gonna make this work. Come on, I’m sounding like a granny from a Disney film you know I gotta be right!” Dex huffed something that was a poor imitation of a laugh which Derek could not even take as the smallest of victories because he still looked so fragile. Dex opened his mouth to speak and then shook his head, starting to curl in on himself again, “What is it, babe?”

 Derek did not think Dex was going to speak, starting to worry that he had totally shut down when he said in a voice so small it broke his heart, “I’m scared of not being anything. I want to have a secure job and be comfortable but doing fucking IT or coding is so souless. I’m scared of failing and working my ass off for the rest of my life and not really knowing any better just like everyone else back home. I want out but I’m scared to get out. I’m scared of graduating, and I’m _really_ fucking _scared_ of not.”

 Derek ran his hands down Dex’s arms to his hands, holding them tightly in his own, “And that’s why it’s okay to huddle up on a beanbag in the corner of a frat house, because how else are we going to get through life if we don’t look these things in the face? I’m scared too, what the fuck is a depressed black guy with the middle name Malik supposed to do with an English degree in this country? People...people hope for something they love in their lives but it doesn’t have to be a big thing, it can be… well, I kinda already got you, and Chris, and poetry an' hockey, so I’m less scared. Don’t - don’t think you should feel like that too, about me. That’s not - uhhh...”

“English major huh?”

“Oh okay, can’t be feeling that bad if you’re chirping me!” Derek said, pressing his lips together against the shaky humour in his voice as Dex shrugged, “You won’t fail, you won’t let yourself fail and I’ll be right here for back up anytime you need it”, Derek’s knee’s were starting to hurt so he heaved himself onto the beanbag next to Dex, “Having to work at things does not make your intelligence any less valid, it makes achieving them all the more wonderful. Hard work is no bad thing, you’ve taught me that.”

 Dex nodded, tightening his hold on his knee’s as Derek pressed their shoulders together. He knew from when he was struggling that there was only so much someone could say, only so much you wanted to hear, so sat quietly listening to Dex snuffle and fidget, hoping just his being here was helping, hoping the quiet would calm his own thundering heart.

“I…” Dex started, voice still wavering quietly, “you were talking about oranges?”

“Yeah, you want one?” Dex nodded and Derek crawled under his bed to grab the bag that had gone flying on his race across the room, sitting back on the bean bag as he looked for the nicest one, “I know fuck all about fruits so they might be gross.”

“If they are we can totally give up on the day and go back to bed,” Dex mumbled, sitting with his head on his folded arms as Derek began peeling one, making a neat little pile of the rind on the floor next to his feet as he got juice all over his hands and sweatpants.

 He held out a segment and watched Dex take it and start eating it dejectedly, body still wracked with the aftershocks of his tears. Derek could not stand to look at him like this and selfishly shifted to sit behind him (somehow managing to topple off the back of the beanbag in process), bracketing Dex securely with his legs in the hope the closeness would bring some comfort. The movement tipped Dex and he let himself fall against Derek, taking the new segment of orange handed to him as he turned so he could curl against his warmth.

“Your heart is beating so fast”, Dex said, pushing his ear against Derek's chest.

“I know.”

“Are you okay?”

“You just gave me a fright”, Dex tried to sit up, making a sound of protest when Derek held him fast with his legs, “I’m alright, I’m alright. We’ll chill out together”, Derek murmured, talking what he hoped was soothing nonsense as they finished the orange between them, Dex’s sniffing and shaking gradually lessening along with Derek’s racing heart.

“M’sorry about his”, Dex whispered as Derek nuzzled his nose into Dex’s soft hair because his fingers were too sticky to run through it.

“It’s okay to wobble, it’s okay to not always be able to cope.” Derek swallowed, taken aback by how easy that was to say after it had taken so many years of struggle for him to realise it was the truth. He looked at Dex and saw a bit of his sixteen year old self who thought he was weak for going to therapy, thought if he pushed himself just a little harder he could finally be normal, “It’s hard to believe but no-one expects it from you all the time. You do so well with all you have to do, and then you go and keep the Haus standing and our clothes clean and our food cooked. You do so well, but it’s okay to need help and it’s okay to not be one hundred percent all the time”, he pulled an arm tightly around Dex’s waist, “You let me be depressed and anxious, allow yourself the same compassion.”

“It’s so hard.”

“I know it’s hard but it doesn't make you weak if sometimes it’s too hard. Do not let the expectations of society be what you measure yourself by", Dex stilled, pulling Derek’s other arm around him, “No matter how bad you feel you can always come to me because I will always be here. And if we feel bad at the same time we’ll just hold one another up until one of us gets our feet under ourselves again”, _which will always be you_ Derek thought, tightening his hold on the boy in his arms.

“How can you be so poetic all the time? Why are you even with me when I’m just...not. At all. Blunt fucking instrument.”

“Are you really going to make me sit here and tell you how poetic you are? Code is a poetry of numbers, bugs the word or phrase that will not scan or fit the meter. Fixing things is poetic, your star field of freckles, your eyes the colour of whiskey that is smooth on your tongue but burns all the way down. You skate with no frills at all and it’s perfect, the way you do everything is so pared back it’s like an art.”

“That’s just you making me sound like that.”

“Well you won’t do it so I have to.”

 Dex huffed, unhappy with that but let it be, shifting against Derek and making a good go at rupturing his spleen with his sharp ass bones,“Will you come with me to talk to the coaches if I go?”

“Of course.”

“If I can’t do the set I’ll go to Tango.”

“You don’t have to ask him if it will upset you.”

“It’s not his fault. He get’s it. I...I‘ll be okay about it tomorrow I think.”

“Okay.” Derek said softly, running a hand up and down Dex’s narrow side, wanting to warn him not to push himself too far too soon but one of the things they had learnt (but often ignored) about getting along with one another was knowing which battles to pick, “Wanna watch We Bear Bears?”

“Always.”

“I’ll get Chris and we can Frogpile?”

“Don’t wipe your sticky hands on him.”

“Fiiiine, just for you.”

“Can...can we stay like this for a bit first though?”

 Derek found himself smiling as he tipped them onto their sides to he could use every extra inch of extra muscle to curl around Dex. So many times people had done this for him, been scared for him, hearts breaking for him, and he did not enjoy being on the other side of it at all, but the fact that this useless fucking weight he carried around all the time had given him what he needed to help someone, to help Dex? He would never be grateful for his depression, he would never _ever_ thank it, but he was so relieved…

“Oh my god I can hear you over-thinking in prose. Stop!”

  Derek gave Dex a squeeze and let himself settle. They were poetry, Dex’s grazed knees and bright fists raised against a world that flowed deep and dark and sparkling clear through Derek, the two of them back to back whispering to one another, _this too shall pass_.

"Dude, seriously? Poetry now?"

"Shut the fuck up you're ruining this cuddle."

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> This fic could also be called 'Nursey copes by hanging out in bathrooms' but that sounds a bit sketch so...
> 
>  
> 
> "It never hurts to keep looking for sunshine" - Eeyore, A.A.Milne
> 
> Drop by and say HI over at my rubbish [ tumblr](http://grandpianopossessed.tumblr.com)


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